Control Freak

     It's been a while since I've sat down to write about.....well, anything. This past month has been a huge roller coaster and, in all honesty, a bit of a headache. With me going back to school in January to finish my last semester in nursing school, I've been incredibly busy trying to get all of the needed paperwork in and everything finalized. Let me just say that it's been anything but easy. Every time I turned around, it was as if something else was going wrong: my application had been misplaced, certain forms were missing that I needed, phone calls weren't being returned in, what I thought, was a timely manner. It was happening again. I was allowing myself to become overwhelmed because things weren't happening the way I wanted them to. I had this perfect timeline in my head of how I would reapply to school, everything would go according to plan, and I would skip merrily through the halls of the hospital like Mary Sunshine. Yeah. Right. You would think that I would have learned that the moment I try to snatch control away from God's hands is when everything starts going downhill. I was allowing myself to become stressed before class had even begun and playing situations in my head that hadn't even happen yet (that's a bit of a problem for me). I had allowed myself to let go and trust God with my future, but the moment that something didn't go perfect, I grabbed it back saying. "Thanks, but I got it. I have to fix it and then you can have it back." Funny thing is, I CAN'T fix it. I can't fix it, because 1) it's not mine to fix and 2) I don't have the ability to fix it. When I gave my life to Christ, I didn't give him just my past to erase and my present to love. I also gave him my future to mold and shape and guide the way only He can. I think one of the reason I hadn't wanted to post anything in such a long time is because I felt ashamed. Here I was writing about how I had done such a 180 and was allowing God to guide me, and then I had a glitch (as my mom calls it) and I felt as if I was right back to where I started. I felt like a hypocrite. I wasn't perfect.....but then I began to laugh. Wasn't that the whole point of what I had been writing about? That I wasn't perfect, but that's okay? Yes, I'm a Christian. Yes, I'm allowing God to, in a sense, begin anew in me and trusting that He wouldn't let me crash and burn. The truth is though, I'm still human. I'm still going to slip up and make mistakes. I'm going to want to take my future out of God's hands, but then I have to duct tape my hands together behind my back and remind myself that I am not in control, and it's better that way. I would really appreciate all of your prayers in the next couple of months. Pray for me that everything falls into place with school and that I don't become overwhelmed. Pray that the funds come in for my trip to Baja and that I am prepared physically and spiritually for this life-changing event. I want to pray for you all too. I think one of the best ways to improve your own prayer life is to pray for others. I'm excited to see what this month holds (besides sweater weather and more pumpkin-flavored everything) and I'm so blessed with all my family and friends =) Have a fantastic day!!