I'm going to be real transparent here for a moment, which if you know me, is a huge feat in itself.....but the truth is.....I do not, I repeat, DO NOT handle change very well. Sometimes I like to pretend as if I do, and can bend and flow and adapt at the drop of hat, but it's not the truth. That's just not me. I'm structured. I'm type-A. I plan and list and check off. One of my favorite times during the week is when I pull out my massive planner collection, basket of craft tape, multi-colored pens, and sticker binder and sit down to plan out the upcoming week. Knowing what is going to happen during the week gives me a sense of calm, helps me feel in control. Sure, I'm able to add and take away events and projects and plans as need be, but for the most part, I want to have a general idea of where my week is headed. This past month, however, that has been a major challenge simply because I felt as if I have not stopped going going going, and therefore have not even had time TO actually sit down and plan. Between moving into my own apartment (yay adulting!), my 25th birthday, going to Colorado on vacation, and having my wisdom teeth removed last week, my everyday life has been good and unplanned. I was not expecting to have to move into a new home at this point, especially one where I would be completely on my own (well, on my own with my sweet fur child anyway). I had been technically "moved in" for about a week and a half before I left to go on a long-anticipated vacation with my family and boyfriend to Colorado, and when I returned to my empty apartment, the loneliness of the off-white walls was overpowering. I had some furniture and one or two pictures on the wall, but it still felt like someone else's house, not mine. It was still new, it wasn't home, it was way too different for me. Then, two days after I returned from vacation, I was scheduled to have all four of my wisdom teeth removed, and would need to stay with my parents for at least the first 24 hours after the procedure.
Once again, when I returned to my apartment, all I could think was, "This isn't home. This isn't mine. I don't like being here on my own. Why do things have to change?" This mindset very quickly became, "Why is this where I'm at right now? How can this possibly be a good thing? Why am I in the job that I'm in? Work has been so rough lately.....and now I have to go home to an empty apartment that doesn't even feel like mine...." You see where I'm going with this? I was allowing a simple change in my circumstances, paired with the day to day struggles that I believe EVERY nurse faces to completely dictate my attitude, and not in a positive way. Plans change, life changes. Change is an inevitable part of our lives, and I was not handling this change very well.
My church is currently doing a summer long series on the story of Joseph, and really breaking down the details of who Joseph was and how he allowed God to use him in EVERY circumstance. If anyone had warrant to complain about change in his life, it was Joseph. He was sold into slavery by his own family, made to work as a servant for years, accused of adultery, and thrown into jail. I don't know about you, but I'm not sure I would have been able to be able to even get out of bed every morning, let alone function in every day life. But Joseph? Joseph handled it like a champ, and then some. I obviously wasn't there to witness this first hand, but from what I have studied so far, I'm pretty sure Joseph's morning prayer went something along the lines of, "Okay Lord, I'm not exactly sure why you have me at this place, with these people right now, but I know you have a plan for me. I trust that plan, even when I can't see it. I'm going to take this day by day, sometimes hour by hour, and have faith in You and You alone. What are you wanting to teach me today? Who do you want me to touch with your grace and love? How can you use me here, in this moment?"
When I was watching the sermon from this past Sunday, the pastor used two quotes that really knocked me off this pity tower I had built for myself. The first one was, "Life is about 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it." What had happened, this life change, was just a small part of the issue I was having. What really mattered was how I had allowed my circumstance to affect me, instead of me affecting my circumstances and allowing God to use them for His plan that He has. The second quote was, "You can be content in your circumstances without being content with your circumstances." Life isn't always going to be easy. I think that people get this idea that Christians are always suppose to be happy and full of sunshine and that everything in life will be perfect, and then we beat ourselves whenever we feel frustrated or angry or sad or anything less than content, but the good thing is, that's when God's grace really comes into play. Sometimes it's tough going through the day to day circumstances some of us have to face, but guys, let me tell you something. Even in the worst circumstances and the most life-altering changes, God. Is. Still. Good. He loves you. He has not forgotten you, and will use you wherever you're at if you let Him. We sometimes allow our circumstances and the changes we go through to control us instead of taking each moment and saying, "I don't understand this Lord. I don't know why you have me here, but I want you to use me where I'm at." Let's all take a page out of Joseph's story and change our attitudes for the better. That's the decision I have made today, and the change I am embracing.
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