I'm Moving!!

     Hi all! If you've been following my blog for a while, then let me be the first to say, thank you! Thank you for actually being interested in what I have to say ;) I'm super excited to announce that I will be moving to a new Internet home under a new name, the link to which can be found here. 29:11Plans will not only include all about this journey of life I'm on, but will also have links and updates to my Etsy shop and posts all about my planner obsession. This is a huge step for me, being this vulnerable, but I'm excited to see where it leads! Happy Wednesday, and God Bless!

Sometimes You Just Need to Change Things Up

     I'm going to be real transparent here for a moment, which if you know me, is a huge feat in itself.....but the truth is.....I do not, I repeat, DO NOT handle change very well. Sometimes I like to pretend as if I do, and can bend and flow and adapt at the drop of hat, but it's not the truth. That's just not me. I'm structured. I'm type-A. I plan and list and check off. One of my favorite times during the week is when I pull out my massive planner collection, basket of craft tape, multi-colored pens, and sticker binder and sit down to plan out the upcoming week. Knowing what is going to happen during the week gives me a sense of calm, helps me feel in control. Sure, I'm able to add and take away events and projects and plans as need be, but for the most part, I want to have a general idea of where my week is headed. This past month, however, that has been a major challenge simply because I felt as if I have not stopped going going going, and therefore have not even had time TO actually sit down and plan. Between moving into my own apartment (yay adulting!), my 25th birthday, going to Colorado on vacation, and having my wisdom teeth removed last week, my everyday life has been good and unplanned. I was not expecting to have to move into a new home at this point, especially one where I would be completely on my own (well, on my own with my sweet fur child anyway). I had been technically "moved in" for about a week and a half before I left to go on a long-anticipated vacation with my family and boyfriend to Colorado, and when I returned to my empty apartment, the loneliness of the off-white walls was overpowering. I had some furniture and one or two pictures on the wall, but it still felt like someone else's house, not mine. It was still new, it wasn't home, it was way too different for me. Then, two days after I returned from vacation, I was scheduled to have all four of my wisdom teeth removed, and would need to stay with my parents for at least the first 24 hours after the procedure.
     Once again, when I returned to my apartment, all I could think was, "This isn't home. This isn't mine. I don't like being here on my own. Why do things have to change?" This mindset very quickly became, "Why is this where I'm at right now? How can this possibly be a good thing? Why am I in the job that I'm in? Work has been so rough lately.....and now I have to go home to an empty apartment that doesn't even feel like mine...." You see where I'm going with this? I was allowing a simple change in my circumstances, paired with the day to day struggles that I believe EVERY nurse faces to completely dictate my attitude, and not in a positive way. Plans change, life changes. Change is an inevitable part of our lives, and I was not handling this change very well.
     My church is currently doing a summer long series on the story of Joseph, and really breaking down the details of who Joseph was and how he allowed God to use him in EVERY circumstance. If anyone had warrant to complain about change in his life, it was Joseph. He was sold into slavery by his own family, made to work as a servant for years, accused of adultery, and thrown into jail. I don't know about you, but I'm not sure I would have been able to be able to even get out of bed every morning, let alone function in every day life. But Joseph? Joseph handled it like a champ, and then some. I obviously wasn't there to witness this first hand, but from what I have studied so far, I'm pretty sure Joseph's morning prayer went something along the lines of, "Okay Lord, I'm not exactly sure why you have me at this place, with these people right now, but I know you have a plan for me. I trust that plan, even when I can't see it. I'm going to take this day by day, sometimes hour by hour, and have faith in You and You alone. What are you wanting to teach me today? Who do you want me to touch with your grace and love? How can you use me here, in this moment?"
     When I was watching the sermon from this past Sunday, the pastor used two quotes that really knocked me off this pity tower I had built for myself. The first one was, "Life is about 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it." What had happened, this life change, was just a small part of the issue I was having. What really mattered was how I had allowed my circumstance to affect me, instead of me affecting my circumstances and allowing God to use them for His plan that He has. The second quote was, "You can be content in your circumstances without being content with your circumstances." Life isn't always going to be easy. I think that people get this idea that Christians are always suppose to be happy and full of sunshine and that everything in life will be perfect, and then we beat ourselves whenever we feel frustrated or angry or sad or anything less than content, but the good thing is, that's when God's grace really comes into play. Sometimes it's tough going through the day to day circumstances some of us have to face, but guys, let me tell you something. Even in the worst circumstances and the most life-altering changes, God. Is. Still. Good. He loves you. He has not forgotten you, and will use you wherever you're at if you let Him. We sometimes allow our circumstances and the changes we go through to control us instead of taking each moment and saying, "I don't understand this Lord. I don't know why you have me here, but I want you to use me where I'm at." Let's all take a page out of Joseph's story and change our attitudes for the better. That's the decision I have made today, and the change I am embracing.

Hamster Wheel

      When I was little, one of the pets that I wanted the most was a hamster. Don't ask me why, but the idea of having a little ball of fluff that I could fit in my pocket if I wanted to was all too appealing. For some reason, I loved watching hamsters run in their wheels. There was something kind of mesmerizing about watching this little thing run round and round, even if he never got anywhere. Well, that may be fine for a hamster, but when you start feeling like YOU'RE the hamster and you're simply spinning your wheels without actually getting anywhere? That can be a problem. Unfortunately, we all have times where we feel like we are in ruts. We want so badly to push through and push harder and hustle and just get there, that we end up burnt out with nothing to show for it. We criticize ourselves for having bad days and think something is wrong with us when we feel like giving up or giving in. We put on our brave faces and pretend like everything is perfect and we have our lives completely together, when in reality, we have no idea what we're doing.
      Let me stop you right there and say this: there is NOTHING wrong with you for feeling this way. I will be the first to admit that I am currently in a place where I am not entirely sure what my next move is going to be. I'll even admit that I had a mini meltdown yesterday and spent a good 45 minutes spontaneously crying (side note: I thank God every day, especially yesterday, for my incredibly patient, level-headed, sweet boyfriend because goodness knows he gets the brunt of my crazy). The past month has been nothing short of chaotic. Between having to spontaneously move to a new home and attempting to keep my life held together with coffee and planner stickers, there have been days where all I wanted to do was stay under the covers and watch Netflix with my dog. I feel like giving in at times. I feel like a hamster on its wheel, moving at a million miles and hour, but never actually reaching my destination. I feel burnt out and tired and cranky and unsure, and certainly have no desire to try to check off the necessary things on my to-do list. So how do I find the motivation to throw the covers off, toss my messy hair up in a bun, and wrestle this life? Because I know I don't have to do it alone. Because in the crazy and the unsure, my God is a forever steady constant. He made us to in a way so that we'd HAVE to depend on Him, and honestly, I'm so glad He did! Yes, we all need to try our absolute best and give God our absolute best, but the beauty of that is, wherever it is that we fall short, Christ simply picks up our slack with a gentle, "Don't worry. I've got this." How amazing is that?? Guys, we don't have to do it all or have it all or be it all, because Christ already is! How freeing is that reminder?! He has already picked up our slack and our pieces and our broken messes before we even ask Him to, because He is that good. He has your absolute best interest in mind, if only we will trust Him with it. I'm not perfect, and I have no clue where the next few months are going to lead, and that fact alone is a little daunting, but I know that through everything, through the uncertainty and the chaos and the fear and tiredness, God has me by the hand, ever so gently guiding me off my hamster wheel. He loves you, no matter what you've done or how far you've fallen. Let Him steer for a while, and allow yourself a moment of rest. Bring your tired, fragile, potentially broken dreams and desires and plans and lay them at the foot of the Cross. Give yourself a break, and watch what the God of creation can do. I promise you, it's infinitely better than spinning on your wheel.

Sharper Than Iron

     A couple of weeks ago, I was able to take a trip to see some of my best friends from college, because one of them decided to grow up and get married. I had not seen these girls in a few years, and even though I had missed them in that time, I didn't really realize just how much until we were all together again. They weren't just my friends though, they were also my roommates, the people I had spent the most time with in my years at college. They knew know me better than just about anyone, because they were the people who saw me at my worst, and I like to think that there were moments where I saw them at theirs. We lived in the safety of our dorm room, a place where we could go when life seemed to be anything but easy. We were each others' confidants. Late nights staying up talking about anything and everything and nothing were a common occurrence and something that, until a few weeks ago, I had taken for granted. I didn't realize how important these relationships and these people were until I was able to experience them again, after going so long without them. These girls, my girls, bring out the best in me. They were there for me when my family couldn't be. We are all as different as you can possibly be, and yet we all manage to work together. Seeing the people who mean the most to you again, being able to just sit and talk and celebrate and remember.....it puts you in a good place. It makes you feel like you can handle whatever is going to come next. It makes you remember the best parts of yourself, and helps you to see the things in yourself that you forgot. True friends are hard to come by. They are, by far, one of the greatest treasures that someone can have.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor; If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." -Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." -John 15:12-13

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for times of adversity." -Proverbs 17:17

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." -Proverbs 27:17

     I don't think that there was a day during this trip that we all went to sleep before 1 a.m. The time we had together, just like the time we had in college, was precious. Every second was treasured, because I think at some point, whether it was during that weekend or way before then, we all realized just how much we need each other. God brings you to places at certain times so you can meet people that will be your sharpening iron. Sometimes it's for a season, and sometimes it's for a lifetime. Either way, these people are there to shape us into who we are meant to be. They are our earthly support, the ones we can lean on, both emotionally and physically. Choosing your irons is one of the most important decisions that you can make. Choose them carefully. Let those closest to you bring out your best, even when you can't see it. Let them build you up, and sharpen you into the person God is calling you to be.

Check Yes or No

      So in case anyone missed it, yesterday was Valentine's Day. I'm not ashamed to admit that for the past five years, Valentine's Day was just a more widely known name for Singles Awareness Day for me. While there were times I longed for someone to take me out and buy me flowers, I don't regret the time I had to grow as a person and grow closer to my ultimate True Love, my Lord Jesus Christ. He showed me the real meaning of love by reminding me that I was not alone when dealing with my anxiety, and standing by me when I felt like I was not worth loving. Though my "season of singleness" was filled with nights of crying over romance movies and dreaming of the day when I would experience my own novel-worthy, sunset-boat-ride, chance-encounter, hanging-off-a-ferris-wheel, declaring-his-undying-love-at-sunrise, kind of moment, I finally had reached the point where I was okay, and I mean TRULY okay, with being single. I had this idea when I was younger of what I thought a relationship should be like and what loving someone was, but in reality, I had no idea. None at all.
     I had your typical teenage romances when I was in high school, and I'll admit that I was a bit (okay, a lot) rebellious when it came to what I thought was the right decision as far who I dated was concerned. Thankfully I had parents who were praying for me constantly and a God who was always beside me, behind me, and in front of me, guiding me away from the danger I could have potentially gotten into. During the five years I have been single between early college and now, God has been doing some pretty amazing things in my life. If you've been following my blog from the beginning, you know that through His grace and mercy and unending love, He brought me out of a place of anxiety and borderline depression and gave me the strength to make it through nursing school and has provided so many opportunities and opened so many doors that I never imagined were possible, some not even related to my chosen career. The love that God shows towards His people is often called "agape love." In a nutshell, this agape love is perfect. It covers all mistakes and keeps no record of wrongs. It encompasses the very essence of true love and helps provide the framework for the relationship that God longs to have with His children. People often strive to have this love towards their significant other, but all too often fail due to the fickle, imperfect human nature. Over the past couple of months however, through the grace of God and His blessing on my life, I have been able to experience just a small sliver of the love that He has poured out on my life. And it came in the form of a handsome, brunette best friend of mine....
*WARNING: This is about to get real mushy, real fast. Those of you with weak stomachs, please exit the internet at this time.*
     When I was in 7th grade, I was seated next to this very quiet boy in Civics class. I could tell he was obviously smart, and I thought was pretty cute, and in middle school, that was apparently all that mattered. I, being the go-getter that I am (I'm laughing hysterically at myself for saying that, btw) decided to take matters into my own hands and passed this boy a note that probably said something along the lines of, "Hey, I like you. Will you go out with me? Check Yes or No." I was so smooth back then. I guess he was past the whole "girls have cooties" stage at that point, because he checked the yes box. In that one stroke of his pen, I had a boyfriend. I wasn't lame and single. For two weeks anyway. At the Open House that they had at our school, I saw him and his mom down the hallway from where my mom and I were standing. I grabbed my mom's hand and proceeded to weave my way through the crowd towards my super devoted and wonderful boyfriend that I had had for two weeks and had gone on approximately zero dates with.......you see where I'm going with this? By the time we had reached where they had been standing, he was no where to be seen. He had run away quicker than I had expected, considering he wasn't exactly the athletic type back then. I was completely heartbroken. The next day, in my true dramatic fashion, I told him that this was not going to work out and that I thought we should see other people. Over the next several years, we ended up always having the same advanced classes, because we were both nerds like that, and I eventually was able to forgive him for crushing my middle school dreams of having a boyfriend. Throughout high school, he became one of my very best friends. I didn't quite understand it at that point, but he and I shared this unexplainable connection. He simply understood me better than just about anyone, and I couldn't help but have a smile on my face whenever I was around him. Fast forward, we somehow ended up at the same college together and our close friendship only grew from there. He was the first person I wanted to tell certain things to, and we were able to communicate without saying a word. We laughed over the same lame, nerdy jokes and I always looked forward to the time we spent together surrounded by our other friends. To quote Grey's Anatomy, he was essentially my person. Through extraneous circumstances, however, that closeness that I felt to him was short lived. We went over three full years without speaking to each other after he graduated college, and I truly thought I had lost my best friend.......
     However, God, my merciful God of agape love and crazy humor, had a totally different plan. Through some not-so-great events, this guy, this best friend of mine was brought back into my life. Nothing felt like it had changed between us, but at the same time, I believe we both knew that everything was about to change. I supported and encouraged and prayed for him as he dealt with something that I pray no one has to ever go through. I allowed him to lean on me for support and did my very best to point him towards the ever-open, agape love of the Father to mend his heart. We also began to mend our relationship that had been damaged in the crossfire of circumstance, and the closeness that I had held so dear once before slowly began to emerge again. No matter what, no matter how long it had been, this guy was my best friend. Even though I had known him for 12, almost 13 years, I was still finding things out about him that I never knew, or perhaps I always knew, but had forgotten. This guy has one of the biggest hearts I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Under a thick layer of sarcasm and snarkiness, he loves more and deeper than just about anyone I know. His love for people and their hearts is so incredibly admirable, and watching him interact with not only the kids in his church, but his own niece and nephew is something I love to watch. Even though he's had to go through some incredibly difficult circumstances this past year, he still manages to display complete joy and a love for life. He's constantly pointing me towards Christ in every circumstance and when he prays, the sincerity and honesty is overwhelming. He makes me laugh despite myself, and I've yet to be able to be in a bad mood around him. I have whole-heartedly fallen for my best friend. Despite circumstances, despite some negative opinions, and despite what worldly logic may say, I truly believe that our friendship, in every aspect, was due to some major divine intervention. I know it's not perfect, we're not perfect, but it's without a doubt one of the easiest decisions I have ever made. I'm so excited to see where this adventure takes us, and I pray every day that God gives me the heart to love with agape love, placing selfish ambitions and desires aside, and trusting that God's plan is bigger and better than anything I could have imagined. I have decided to love despite shortcomings and mistakes, despite what people may say. I have decided to finally check "Yes."

Wow, That's Super Basic

    With Thanksgiving being next week, and knowing that I'll have about negative 10 minutes of downtime during then, I decided to go ahead and bring you your #basic Thanksgiving "what I'm thankful for post." Except not basic at all, because let's be real, if you know me, then you know I'm anything but basic.....except my love for PSL's and yoga pants, but that's entirely unrelated. It's a funny thing though, thankfulness. As I'm sitting here thinking about what all I'm thankful for, the thought crossed my mind of, "Am I REALLY thankful for that or am I just appreciative?" Because as painful as it is to realize, those two things are not the same. You can appreciate something or someone without really truly being thankful for that thing or person. That can be a hard pill to swallow. Something I've learned recently is that you sometimes have to accept people for where they're at, and not expect them to be anything else, and in turn be what they need you to be in that moment, especially if they're someone you are thankful for. Because chances are, that person is thankful for you too, and excessive expectations typically only leads to disappointment and one or both getting hurt. So with that being said, I give you my unabridged "What I'm Thankful For" List:

**I'm thankful for my Lord and Savior first and foremost. He's always first. Always. There's no doubt in my mind that I would be in an entirely different place and be an entirely different person if had not been for the amazing love and grace of God. If you've been following my blogging journey or just know me in general, then you know the dark place that I was brought out of and the amazing opportunities that I've been given since then. Through my struggles with anxiety and addiction to perfection, I have grown so much closer in my walk with the Lord and He has provided for me in ways that I never thought were possible. He loves me when I don't deserve to be loved and comforts me when it seems like there is no hope. He made me perfect in His image and his grace covers me in ways that I don't even understand. He's my perfect Savior, and he's mine.
**I'm thankful for my family (how super generic of me), but seriously. No family is perfect and all of them have their cracks and strains and crazies, but at the end of the day, they're still mine. I'm thankful that my mom gets mad at me for having the exact same smart alec attitude that she has. I'm thankful that even though my dad lives ten hours away, I still am blessed enough to see him, my stepmom, and my God-given adopted brother regularly throughout the year. I'm thankful that my mom remarried someone who doesn't treat me like a step-child, but HIS OWN child and works above and beyond what a normal person would do to provide for his family. I'm thankful for those three other little loud humans that are asleep right now, because yes, they drive me nuts and I contemplate selling them to the circus on a weekly basis, but they love deeper than some grown adults. And they're mine.
**I'm thankful for my best friend who is probably doing one of two things right now: watching Gilmore Girls for about the zillionith time or feeling lame for already being in her pajamas and ready for bed. Or both. You rock those pj's girl. You're my #bffinabox and no one in the world gets me like you do. You've seen me at my absolute worst, and yet still love me despite all that. You know things about me that I'm too afraid to admit to myself, but yet you remain patient until I come to my senses. Our conversations never really feel like they last almost 2 hours, even though they usually do. You're beautiful inside and out, even though you rarely see it.Your encouragement and prayer is one of the things I hold most dear. Despite the stupid mistakes I've made and the people that I let dictate who I let into my life, you've stood by me. And I know you always will. Because you're mine.
**I'm thankful for my other best friend, you know who you are and more than likely you're reading this not too long after I post it because I told you to. Gosh, has it really been 12 years? Do people even stay associated with each other after this long? Probably not, but we did. Because we're both insanely weird. You also get me like no one else does, but in an entirely different way. I can't even put into words how well you understand me. You've always been my best friend, even when we weren't what would normally be considered "friends." Even when we went years without speaking, there were times that you were the first person I'd want to tell certain things to, because I knew you'd understand. We've always had this crazy, undeniable connection that is just sometimes plain scary. At such a young age, you've already been through more than most people go through in their entire lives, and yet you still have this ridiculously positive outlook on life, and I love that about you. You're amazing, and I don't want you to listen to anyone who tells you different. I just want you to know how much you mean to me, and that I'm here for you, being patient, no matter what. Because you're mine, loser.
**I'm thankful for having a job in a field that I've prayed and worked so hard for. Most people who graduate from college end up in a place that is nowhere near what that $50,000 piece of paper says they're qualified to do, but I did. Sure, it's anything but easy. In fact on most days, it's downright overwhelming, but then every day I'm able to hold my head up and say, "Yeah, I'm a nurse. I save lives on the reg." Having a job where you get to touch people's lives EVERY. SINGLE. DAY? I mean, it's no contest. The funny thing is, I think some of the patients I've had have touched my heart in ways that I could never repay by simple medicine and treatments. I'm blessed with my job, because I see healing both inside and out. And not just with my patients, but with myself as well. It's crazy and hectic and scary, but it's all mine.

There are obviously tons of other things I'm thankful for, and trust me, I could go on for days. But then this post would be 20 pages long, and let's be honest, no one wants to read that. But I want to leave you with this: Be thankful, and not just this month, but every month, every day. Because you never know when someone or something will be taken from you in the blink of an eye. Hold tight to those you care about. Tell the people you love that you love them, even when it's hard. Because we're not always promised tomorrow, and those people and things you're thankful for? They're all yours, and they're all you have.

I Could Paint with All the Colors of My Lack of Preparation

When I was younger, adults would always ask me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” And I usually always had a decent answer: Olympic gymnast, veterinarian, teacher (Power Ranger at one point). Then, as I got older, it became doctor, forensic scientist, a brief and fleeting thought towards acting. Basically, I was all over the place. I always loved and was good at math and science, so the closer I got to college, the more my career choices seemed to gravitate towards those fields. When I first started at UM, I was an athletic training major hoping to one day become a physical therapist. It didn’t take long (we’re talking about 2 months) for me to realize that that was NOT my thing. I suffered a minor crisis of “Oh my gosh. What am I going to do with my life??” before finally putting the two biggest factors together: 1) I love and have a deep passion for helping people + 2) I was a science and math nerd= Duh, nursing! Yes! I have my entire life figured out! Oh how naïve sweet, little freshman Jessica was…..

If you have been reading these posts from the beginning, then you know my whole testimony about struggling with a major anxiety disorder all through nursing school, and how my gracious Lord and Savior brought me out on the other side victorious! (If not, you should check it out. It’s a page-turner ;) ) Since then, I have been working at a great hospital for a little over a year now, gaining some top-notch experience, and have made some wonderful friends in the process. Sure, my job drives me absolutely insane sometimes, and there are days where I question whether or not I can make it through the twelve hours, but all in all, the positives have far outweighed the negatives. I have witnessed what could only be explained as miracles take place, and I LOVE getting to smile and laugh along with people who are dealing with potentially life-threatening situations. The human spirit is an amazing thing y’all….it really is. You know what though? I cannot wait for the day that I walk out of those doors for the last time. Now I know that that may sound harsh, but it has absolutely nothing to do with the place or the people. It has to do with the fact that I know that the moment I step foot across that threshold, I’ll be taking my next step on the path that God has been preparing me for these last 24 years. The thing is though, I have no idea when or where that next step is going to come. And THAT right there is what’s scary. I have no clue as to what I’m going to do with my life. (How many times has that phrase been uttered by a million other post-grads??) It’s true though. I have zero idea of where I’ll be this time 10 years from now, 5 years from now, even next year. I definitely do not have my entire life figured out, unlike my 18-year-old self once thought. Bless her heart. What I do know is that I have about ten different paths that I would love to walk down. Some are healthcare related, and some aren’t. Some I could walk in and do tomorrow, and some would take months of planning and preparation. They all hold a very special place in my heart, and I know that there is a reason that they are there. To some people that lack of direction and preparedness may sound like a nightmare, and a couple of years ago I was one of those people. But now? All I can think about are all the beautiful and amazing possibilities that are open to me. I could literally do ANYTHING.  YOU could literally do anything. I love nursing and would be overjoyed to be able to help others heal every single day for the rest of my life, but I also have other dreams. It’s okay to not have your life figured out by 25. It’s okay to have no idea what you’ll do next week. Planning and preparation are wonderful. I mean, who spent almost eighty bucks on a fancy planner? This girl right here. But don’t let yourself get so bogged down with trying to plan your life out that you miss the beautiful things God is aligning in the background. Let him take your dreams and desires and mold them into plans and actions. Allow the uncertainty to become opportunity. (I seriously feel like I sound like a fortune cookie at this point, but I digress) Not knowing can be beautiful, and breaking down the barriers in your own mind can be one of the most freeing things you will ever do. Break down that fourth wall (If you understand that reference, I love you). Do not limit yourself to what your degree says. As I have said from the beginning, you are more than a piece of paper. You are talented and strong and smart and special. God has amazing plans for you, and if you’ll simply hand Him the paint brush, He can paint some awe-inspiring pictures in colors you didn’t even know existed. All it takes is a dream, and a little bit of faith. Give yourself permission to try new things and go beyond what you thought was possible. You will never know what is possible until you do it.