First Step

   I leave for Baja, Mexico in 25 days...........whoa, what?? Yeah, it just hit me that I leave for the biggest trip I have ever taken thus far in my life in less than a month. AND it is 100% paid for! Woohoo!!! The amount of support that I have received throughout fundraising for this trip has completely overwhelmed me. I trusted that God would provide, but actually seeing and knowing that it's there is still overwhelming. Sometimes I think we put God in this box, saying "God, I'm trusting you to *insert relevant prayer here*, but if you don't, that's okay. Whatever." It's like we don't want to step on God's toes by dreaming and praying the biggest, craziest prayers we can come up with. Why is that?? Why are we so afraid to pray our biggest prayers and dream our biggest dreams? Y'all, I'm going to be completely honest for a minute: I'm scared to go back to school in January. Very scared. It scares me to my very core to think about just having a repeat of last time. But I want this. I want to be a nurse more than anything. I want to save peoples' lives. I want to be part of amazing miracles that take place. I want to be a nurse practitioner and travel to other countries providing care that may otherwise not be available. I'm even going to get real crazy and say that I want to discover a cure for a currently incurable disease. Go ahead, take a moment and let what I just said sink in. I want to go above and beyond what seems possible. Am I nervous? Uh, well yeah. Can I see past this nursing math test I'm currently studying? Not really. When I had the opportunity to go to the Catalyst Conference in Georgia last year, one of the speakers said something that really resonated with me. It went something like, "God usually won't show you steps 3 and 4 until you take steps 1 and 2." God is smart enough not to show me the big picture. He knows that I would get incredibly overwhelmed and scared and never take that first step. Whenever I work with patients who just had hip or knee surgery, one of the biggest things the doctor would want us to focus on would be taking a few steps at a time. Can you guess which step was the hardest for the patient to take? Yeah, the very first one. They didn't know if they'd be able to walk at all. They didn't know if they would just end up in a crumpled mess on the floor. Plus, the pain after surgery is usually pretty intense, but yet, the reward they know they'll receive from having faith and taking that first step usually gives them the strength to just reach out and do it. Sure, it may be slow and they may be gripping the walker until their knuckles turn white, but before you know it, they're on the other side of the room with the biggest grin on the face, proud of their accomplishment. That's going to be me come next May. If you happen to come to UM's graduation, keep an eye out for me. I'll be the one with the bedazzled mortarboard and mile-wide smile. I'll be celebrating, not only because I'll be done with school (praise the Lord!!!) but also because I know I didn't give up. I didn't let what the enemy intended to be negative get me down. I'll be that much closer to my biggest, craziest dreams. And I can't wait =)

Control Freak

     It's been a while since I've sat down to write about.....well, anything. This past month has been a huge roller coaster and, in all honesty, a bit of a headache. With me going back to school in January to finish my last semester in nursing school, I've been incredibly busy trying to get all of the needed paperwork in and everything finalized. Let me just say that it's been anything but easy. Every time I turned around, it was as if something else was going wrong: my application had been misplaced, certain forms were missing that I needed, phone calls weren't being returned in, what I thought, was a timely manner. It was happening again. I was allowing myself to become overwhelmed because things weren't happening the way I wanted them to. I had this perfect timeline in my head of how I would reapply to school, everything would go according to plan, and I would skip merrily through the halls of the hospital like Mary Sunshine. Yeah. Right. You would think that I would have learned that the moment I try to snatch control away from God's hands is when everything starts going downhill. I was allowing myself to become stressed before class had even begun and playing situations in my head that hadn't even happen yet (that's a bit of a problem for me). I had allowed myself to let go and trust God with my future, but the moment that something didn't go perfect, I grabbed it back saying. "Thanks, but I got it. I have to fix it and then you can have it back." Funny thing is, I CAN'T fix it. I can't fix it, because 1) it's not mine to fix and 2) I don't have the ability to fix it. When I gave my life to Christ, I didn't give him just my past to erase and my present to love. I also gave him my future to mold and shape and guide the way only He can. I think one of the reason I hadn't wanted to post anything in such a long time is because I felt ashamed. Here I was writing about how I had done such a 180 and was allowing God to guide me, and then I had a glitch (as my mom calls it) and I felt as if I was right back to where I started. I felt like a hypocrite. I wasn't perfect.....but then I began to laugh. Wasn't that the whole point of what I had been writing about? That I wasn't perfect, but that's okay? Yes, I'm a Christian. Yes, I'm allowing God to, in a sense, begin anew in me and trusting that He wouldn't let me crash and burn. The truth is though, I'm still human. I'm still going to slip up and make mistakes. I'm going to want to take my future out of God's hands, but then I have to duct tape my hands together behind my back and remind myself that I am not in control, and it's better that way. I would really appreciate all of your prayers in the next couple of months. Pray for me that everything falls into place with school and that I don't become overwhelmed. Pray that the funds come in for my trip to Baja and that I am prepared physically and spiritually for this life-changing event. I want to pray for you all too. I think one of the best ways to improve your own prayer life is to pray for others. I'm excited to see what this month holds (besides sweater weather and more pumpkin-flavored everything) and I'm so blessed with all my family and friends =) Have a fantastic day!!

#ClearOctober

   Happy October!! Fall is by far my favorite time of the year: the pretty colors, sweater weather, pumpkin-flavored EVERYTHING. Something about the crisp, cool feeling in the air makes it feel like the perfect time for new beginnings, even if according to the calender, the year is almost over. The thing that I've come to learn about new beginnings though is that they can happen at any time. Anyone can make a fresh start and new promises during New Year's, but those tend to fade out or become overshadowed by life come February. I think it takes true determination and the want to change to start new in the middle of the year. Through Instagram, I have begun to read and learn about a woman named Lara Casey. I love reading her blog posts and learning new ways to live simply and simply live. She strives after the Lord's calling for her life and it is so incredibly encouraging to know that there are still God-fearing people in the world trying to make a difference. During the month of October, she has challenged herself and those who read her posts to take part of what she calls #ClearOctober. In a nutshell, she wrote down every definition of the word "clear," she could find and decided to apply her favorite ones to her life. I've decided to start new and take that same challenge. So.....here we go!

1. Not obscured or darkened; bright-During the whirlwind I experienced during the first half of this year, I found myself in a place of deep darkness, but that is no more. I want to be bright and have God's love and light emanate from everything that I do.
2. Free from flaw, blemish, or impurity-This one is particularly important to me. I know that I need to drastically change my definition of "perfect." I am not perfect, but my Savior is. He alone has made me new again, free from flaws, blemishes, or impurities. He alone takes away what has tried to ruin me, and makes what the enemy intended for destruction, good for His glory.
3. Free from impediment, obstruction, or hindrance-I know that I have been called by the Lord to work in the medical field. I have no clue in what direction He will lead me with this profession, but I know He has plans for me that I can not even imagine! I will finish nursing school come next May. I will take the NCLEX next summer, and I will be an RN by this time next year. I will not let anything (including myself) hinder the Lord's plan for me.
4. Open: a clear view; a clear path to victory-I love the verse of Philippians 3:13-14 that says: "Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" This one goes along with the previous one in that I know what my calling from God is. I'm working on my "clear path to victory" and trusting that the One who brought me to this place will lead me through it.
5. Discerning or perceiving easily; keen; a clear mind-This first half of this year was very clouded for me. I felt like I was in a constant fog and could never focus. I wasn't concentrating on what was most important. I didn't have a clear mind on God's plan. I was focusing on everything except what I needed to: loving God and trusting that He will take care of me.
6. Free from doubt or confusion; certain-This one is HUGE for me. I was (and still am at times) my own worst enemy. My mom has always told me that God isn't a god of doubt and confusion, that's all us. We're the ones who allow the thoughts of fear and doubt to consume us and hinder us from following God's path. Is it easy to not be afraid? Um, definitely not. You're going to be scared taking chances and putting yourself in new experiences, but the important thing for us to remember is that we MUST pray without ceasing. Trust me, trying to do everything yourself is the number 1 sure fire way to fail.
7. To get past or over something safely-I think this is a great one to end with because it reminds me of a finish line or a pole vaulter clearing the hurdle. Those few seconds when he's in midair, he doesn't entirely know if he's going to make it over. He's having to trust that's he's trained enough and knows his body well enough to clear the pole. We have to prepare ourselves spiritually for the hurdles we'll undoubtedly have to face. Trust that God loves you more than anything. Train yourself by praying every day and diving in to His word. And when the time comes, and you have to take a running start and jump over the biggest hurdle of your life, even if it seems impossible, trust that you'll make it to the other side, that you'll be clear. 

I have loved getting to sit down and truly focus on what's important by learning to be clear. It has really helped me prepare for my trip to Baja by getting rid and letting go of things that don't matter and zoning in on the truly important things in life. One of the things I want to do to continue this is to ask anyone reading this: Do you have anything you need prayer for? Is there something I can do for you? I love hearing and sharing the ways that God is working, and I would love to help you in anyway I can =) Have a blessed day, and don't forget to #liveclear.

This Is For You

   I have started and restarted this post about four different times, not really sure of what I wanted to say. This week, I have had so many different emotions from anger and frustration to love and thankfulness. I've recently started reading posts from my friend Stacie, who is one of the most beautiful, Godly women I have had the pleasure of knowing. Here lately she has been posting about three girls named Olivia, Kelsey, and Libby. These three girls are currently facing some of the toughest trials that life can throw at them. In particular Olivia, whom I've read the most about, is currently facing a life-threatening situation after being in a terrible car accident. (I strongly encourage you all to read Stacie's most recent post. It's life changing.)
http://usedbychrist.wordpress.com/2013/09/27/psalm-99-10-a-stronghold-in-times-of-struggle/

   I want to take a moment to tell you about the girl who writes that blog. Stacie Holland recently graduated from the University of Mobile with a degree in Music Education. I have only known her for a little over a year, but I honestly consider her one of my greatest friends. It's an understatement to say that this girl and her family have been through the ringer. She has had things happen to her that most people could not even imagine, but never once did I ever hear her complain or feel sorry for herself. Her strength and determination are awe-inspiring, even though she would never admit it. She has lifted me up and encouraged me more times than I could count and I am so honored to call her a friend. I mention her because she reminds me so much of those three girls facing such terrible circumstances, because she never gives up. These girls have never given up. They aren't bitter or angry because of their circumstances. They aren't sitting locked up in their rooms feeling sorry for themselves. They're out there, living for Jesus harder than I have ever seen anyone live. These girls inspire me to be better. They remind me not to take life for granted, because we never know how much of it we have left. God is moving in these ladies so hard, and I am so excited to see how the world is changed because of their testimonies.

   I mentioned in the beginning of the post that I had been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster this week. Between a crazy work schedule and coming down with bronchitis, I honestly have not been the best mood. I'm not going to try and pretend that I am this super perky ball of sunshine 24/7, because let's be real, I'm a girl; that ain't gonna happen. It's amazing though that God still manages to get to me even when I don't feel particularly reachable. I've been doing a devotion about Elisha and his ridiculous faith that he had in God. Between reading his story and reading the stories of those three girl, my faith was feeling incredibly sub par. That's the beautiful thing though: God doesn't compare us to each other. We're the ones that do that to ourselves. Because it's not us doing the moving, it's God. HE'S the one who gives us second chances and new beginnings, not us. So don't take this life for granted, please. Step out in absolutely ridiculous faith toward the calling the Lord has for you. Take the chances you were always afraid to take. Don't shut out your best friend just because you're afraid of being a little emotional. Live a life full of a love. Don't ever give up. In a nutshell, just live like Jesus.
   



  

Me encanta la forma en que me amas

   Random realization of the day: I'm one of those super weird people who gets completely lost in worship music in the strangest places. I discovered this while I was washing dishes with my Ipod cranked up and totally forgot what I was even doing about halfway through the song. I had heard this particular song dozens upon dozens of times, but the words hit me in a completely different way tonight. The lyrics of Casting Crowns' song "The Altar and the Door," have never meant more to me than they do now.

   "I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard. Just let you be who you are. Lord, who you are in me."

   I had always tried so hard to make myself good enough for Jesus.....how crazy is that? Nothing I could ever do could make me good or perfect or worthy of the love that my Savior offers. Yet He still loves me anyway, simply because of who He is! I had tried to force everything to happen instead of letting God be His totally awesome self and trust that He was enough. I chose to title this post "Me encanta la forma en que me amas," which translates into "I love the way you love me" in Spanish. Now don't think for one second that I can actually speak Spanish. I took French in high school and have Google translate to thank for my seemingly impressive title choice. I couldn't think of a better way to explain how I'm feeling today though than with that phrase. I love (and I mean LUUUURRVE) the way that God loves me, because it is without a doubt the easiest relationship for me to have. He loves me, He loves all of us, simply because of who He is! Does this relationship come without some difficulties? Negative. If I've learned anything though, it's that the more you draw closer to God and the more you do for Him, the more this world is going to attack you. So, in my opinion, I consider an attack from the things of this world quite a compliment =) (told you I was one of those people). Take my mission trip for example. I'm leaving for Baja, Mexico in 99, yes 99 days from now. (Side note: I can't believe it's already down to double digit days!!) While I know without a doubt that this is where I need to be at, I have received some criticism about going. My heart is in this trip 110%, and I know it'll change me for the better. God has called us to spread his Good News to all the nations, and I intend to follow through. For someone who gave His life for me, taking time out of my meager schedule is the least I can do. I would love your prayers and support during this life-changing event, and if you want to know how to help me on this journey, just let me know and I'll figure something out ;) God Bless and nighty night!

A Cliche at Its Finest

   "Everything happens for a reason." I'm usually not one to use cliches, but this one really describes where I'm at in life right now. After I took a step back and realized that my addiction to perfection was destroying not only my spirit, but my relationship with God and what He was trying to accomplish, and allowed Him to free me from it, I found out that I had so much more joy than I ever had before. Sometimes the hardest thing for us to do is to let go (and I mean REALLY let go) of what we struggle with and trust that our Heavenly Father knows what He's doing. We never think that true positives can come out of negative experiences. We are unable to wrap our finite minds around the idea that we don't always have to follow the "traditional" life path. Yes, I'm not going to graduate in four years. I'm not going by what I thought was the right way to do things. And that scared me more than anything. It made me think I was defective, like something was wrong with me. In reality, not graduating has opened up so many doors for me that might not have been opened had I graduated this year. I got a job at a place that has made me discover my love for painting and crafting. I'm going on a life-changing trip to Baja, Mexico in December and taking the first step towards my ultimate dream of becoming a medical missionary. Through this trip, I have had the honor of becoming acquainted with Arianna, my missionary representative. I think this is one of the best examples of "everything happens for a reason." Out of every person that could have been assigned to be my representative, the fact that Arianna was chosen is truly, I believe, divine intervention. As I have been able to talk to and swap testimonies with her, she is slowly becoming not only my mission rep, but also a really good friend. Our stories and life experiences are so similar, and every time we are able to talk I feel encouraged and uplifted. I may not have ever had that opportunity had my life gone "according to plan." Whose plan am I really following though? I had always said that I wanted to follow God's path, but up until a few months ago, all I was doing was trying to force myself down a path that obviously was not meant for me. Once I began trusting in what God had for me, everything began to fall into place so much easier. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. It is, however, much better than where I was at. Trusting that God knows what he's doing much more than I do puts me in a better place than I could ever put myself in. There's a reason that I'm here at this place, in this moment. There's a reason I've taken a short detour on my path. Everything that has happened so far in my life has happened for a reason......but I've never been much for cliches ;)

Every good story has a moment of doubt

   I'm not perfect. There, got that huge secret out of the way. In fact, I'm pretty much the opposite of perfect, but I didn't know that that was okay until recently. At some moment in my 22 years, I convinced myself that I had to do everything right the first time, I had to look fantastic at all times, and I was never, ever allowed to fail. All throughout elementary, middle, and high schools I was one of "those people." The one who made straight A's and was always called up during the awards ceremonies. I took AP classes in high school, made good enough scores on my exams to earn college credit, and graduated 9th in my class with honors. I had been accepted into an amazing college and had done well enough in high school to earn an academic scholarship. Basically, I was on top of the world. Nothing could bring me down....

   Fast forward to my junior year of college and my first year of nursing school. Looking back now, I can't think of a better word to call myself other than "haughty." I mean, I had breezed through high school and my first two years of college. This was going to be a piece of cake, right? I took good notes, I studied hard, I highlighted my book so much it looked like a traffic sign. I went in to take the test (a little nervous for my first one, but still confident) and tried to recall everything I had studied the past couple of weeks. I felt pretty good coming out of it and was as calm as can be when I went to see my grade. As I looked down at the piece of paper that held what would end up defining me, I had to do a double take. 82. A "C" by our nursing school's standards. The very first C I had ever made, but the first of many to come. That one C, that one grade had, in about 2 seconds, started me on the downhill slope that I would ultimately head down. I know what some of you may be thinking: "Is she serious? It's one grade. One grade doesn't define an entire class." Something you need to stop and realize though is that, my entire life, I had gauged my self-worth by my academic status. It was who I was. That one grade shook my confidence enough to where, when I went into my next test, the exact same thing happened. I made a C. This happened again and again throughout all of my nursing classes (with a few A's and B's dispersed in between) until my senior year. My very last semester of nursing school. I had made it this far. All that stood between me and graduation was one class. One. Class. The first few went pretty decent, a B and a C (which at this point, I still wasn't happy about, but after seeing some of my friends fail classes, I could deal with it a little bit better). Then on the third test, my worst nightmare happened. I failed. If you thought I was a wreck due to a C, failing probably seemed like the apocalypse. My confidence and what I thought of myself was spiraling dangerously out of control. As you can probably guess, I had a very bad anxiety problem. Everything made me anxious and I was having panic attacks on a daily basis. I spent about 97% of my time studying and the other 3% stressing out about studying. No matter how much I studied, I never felt prepared going into a test, and it was surely showing. I failed more tests in that one semester than I would like to recall. I struggled through studying at this point, thinking "what's the point? I'm just gonna fail it anyway," but still spending all my time and energy trying to make it through the class. My family and friends were trying their hardest to be supportive and understanding, but I could tell they were concerned. I wasn't sleeping; I wasn't eating, and for someone who at 21 only weighed 110 pounds, that was a huge issue. The more stress I began to heap on myself, the more perfect I was trying to be, the less I had a grip on reality. I could feel myself slowing started to lose touch with who I really was, not the perfect student I was trying to be, but who I REALLY was: a child of God. God was trying so hard to reach me through all this, but all I could think about was studying more and more. It had become a sickening addiction. I didn't pray, didn't read my Bible, and even skipped church on Sundays so I could read over my notes and textbook. I was obsessed with being perfect, obsessed with trying so hard to prove that I was smart and capable. I had become who the world was trying to make me, and as we all know, that never turns out well.
   Going into my final, I was borderline passing the class. My anxiety had ruined me. My obsession with perfection had destroyed everything I had built my entire life on. The night before my final, I had the biggest panic attack I had ever experienced. I couldn't breath, my heart was racing, and I literally felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't do anything except sit curled up in the corner of my couch and pray that it ended soon. I couldn't tell you a single question that was on that final. All I knew was that I was physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. I went in to what I hoped would be my final grading report. As I walked into the room, I knew instantly what my fate was going to be. The professors faces didn't give anything away. I just knew. I failed the class with a 79.88. Every single hope and dream I had ever had was, at that moment, shattered by a measly 0.12 points. When I heard my grade, I'm pretty sure my mind shut down. I was completely numb. I couldn't cry. I couldn't speak. I couldn't do anything. I don't even remember walking out of the room, but I somehow ended up in Weaver where my best friend was working at her work-study job. I had somehow managed to call my mom and tell her, and that's when I broke down and cried. I sat on the steps outside and cried on the phone to my mom until I started hyperventilating. I had failed. I was a failure. In my eyes, I had committed the world's worst sin. I spent the next 24 hours between crying at the drop of a hat and sulking in my cottage. All I could think about was how I had let everyone down. All the hard work I had put into the last 17 years was for nothing. My dad traveled over 10 hours from Texas to be with and I was on the phone constantly with my mom. My best friend forced my to go to social events so I wouldn't be sitting on my couch, sinking deeper and deeper into my own secret depression. I put on a brave face for everyone, but on the inside I was fighting a spiritual battle. I felt absolutely worthless. I felt like I was the biggest loser that had ever existed. It was forced labor just for me to go eat dinner with my friends. I became so paranoid, thinking that even though everyone was being nice and supportive, they were thinking the same things I was. Knowing that I wasn't going to graduate when I thought I was suppose to made me so angry at myself. I was angry that I was failure. I was angry that I was incompetent. Graduation was like agony for me. I was so proud of my friends and celebrated with them for their success, but on the inside I was bitter and resentful. I hated myself for what had happened. For weeks, I continued to let the anger and hate build up inside of me, letting the sickness of perfection consume me. I was allowing myself to become depressed, but I didn't care. Like I said, I hated myself. And then one day, I decided that I had had enough.
   I had basically reached an all-time low. I saw all my friends getting these amazing opportunities, and while I was genuinely happy for them, in the back of my mind I was thinking, "why couldn't that be me?" As I was thinking about all the opportunities I was missing out on, I just began to pray. Hard. And then I began to cry. A lot. I apologized to my Heavenly Father for essentially kicking Him out of my life. I apologized for not letting Him help me with something I obviously needed help with. And I apologized for hating myself, His child that He created. After I had poured everything I had left into that prayer, and had drained myself of every tear that I had, I heard the smallest voice saying, "I love you, even when you don't love yourself." Well, that just made me come up with a whole new bucket of tears. I then felt a small flicker of hope inside me, like maybe it wasn't all over. Maybe, just maybe, this was all part of His plan. Maybe this was part of a bigger picture that I just couldn't see yet. And maybe, *gasp* I just had to accept the fact that I'm not perfect. No one is. Those flaws, I've slowly come to learn, are what build our testimony. They make up who we are. If we were perfect, we wouldn't have needed someone to die for us. I am not perfect; I have flaws; I failed a class; but I am loved. I am loved by my family who are my biggest support. I am loved by my amazing friends that I couldn't imagine life without. I am loved by my Savior who loves me, even when I don't love myself.

Giant Leap of Faith

      Hey everyone! I've kind of decided to go out on a limb and try something that most people (including myself) don't like doing: talking about imperfections. If you know me at all, you know how much of a perfectionist I am. That phrase, "You're your own worst critic"?.....yeah, I'm pretty sure whoever said that was talking about me. If you know me then you also know how much of a whirlwind this year has been for me so far. In a nutshell, I was suppose to graduate from college this past May with my nursing degree, but didn't (I'll go into more detail about that later). Since then, there has been many ups and downs, tears and screaming, and a LOT of prayer. One of those ups (hopefully) is the decision to start this blog. I've shared my testimony with a few people, and they all seem to say the same thing: that I helped them by doing so. With aspirations of being a nurse, knowing that I've helped people is always a plus to me. I don't want to become famous by doing this, or to be known by tons of people because of the things I post. Nothing that I have done so far, or will do in the future, can be attributed to myself. God has held me in His hands my entire life, never letting me go even when I was kicking and screaming, trying to get away. I am the person I am because of Him. If you don't get anything else out of what I write, please grasp this: God is amazing. He loves you. If you let Him, He will make your life worth living. 

       Now I want to take a minute to explain the title of this blog. I thought for a while trying to think of the perfect name that describes me and wear I'm at in life. The "faith" and "trust" are self-explanatory: I have had to put every ounce of faith and trust that I have into God and His will for my life. The "polka dots" part is because.....well, I'm incredibly girly and love pretty things, plus my newly found love for crafting has become somewhat of an obsession =) There is also a small nod to my love for Disney as well (think Peter Pan). Yes, at 22 years old, I still shamelessly watch Disney movies. I've even been told that I remind my friends of Rapunzel (possibly because she hits herself with a frying pan, but hey, I'll take it). I hope that I haven't bored you yet and that you stay tuned for more details, because I can promise you, my happily ever after is yet to come.....